Today, I learned what the “Top 5 Stressors of Life” are:

1. Death of a Spouse or Loved One

2. Divorce or Separation

3. Moving Homes

4. Personal Injury or Illness

5. Job Loss

The fifth one is what this post will be about–Job Loss. I briefly alluded to the effects that this life event had on me in my previous post, The Come Up, but I’ve never really elaborated on it.

In February of 2016, I got terminated from my first full-time job.

This is something that not very many people know about me. Even one of my best friends wasn’t aware of this until he picked up on it in casual conversation, and immediately said, “Wait… did you ever tell me that?!”

I kept this a secret from most people for obvious reasons–it’s humiliating. But now, almost 3 years later, I’ve realized that this was for the best.

When I worked for this company, it all happened so quickly and I didn’t know what I was getting into. Because this was my first “real” job, I was super excited and open to learning. However, this organization’s culture was extremely toxic, and that weighed on me heavily.

I had a supervisor with a predisposition to treat me poorly. I NEVER heard positive feedback, and did not receive training on how to flourish in my role. I had no room to ask for help or grow. Every mistake I made was detrimental to my reputation and fed into the predetermined negative narrative created about me. I’d constantly have to work after-hours, (off the clock, because I’d get in trouble if they knew I had overtime), and sneak my work home in order to keep up. I had trouble sleeping because I’d keep waking up throughout the night, mulling over the mistakes I’d made, and the ones I’d inevitably be making. Any and all errors were seen as disappointment, rather than a learning opportunity. They truly made me feel worthless.

And, what was the worst part about my time here? I didn’t know any better! This was my FIRST job. I didn’t know what it was like to not dread waking up and coming into work every morning. I didn’t know that your supervisor is suppose to support your professional development, and not throw you under the bus to make themselves look favorable. This company was run like a regime–meticulously controlled to the point where the staff felt afraid to speak up or express their opinions. There were countless times I’d come home from work, crying my eyes out on the phone to my grandmother saying I wasn’t good enough. My self esteem and self-worth were beaten and shattered.

I can honestly say that this time in my life was my lowest point. (Other than Top Life Stressor # 3, but that’s a post for another time, ha).

Without getting into all the details, my life has since turned 180 degrees, and my career is going phenomenally.  I’m happy with my job, and love my now boss.

In 2018 alone, I’ve received confirmation of this change through interactions with three different individuals. These three saw how desolate I was in February of 2016, and have witnessed the position I’ve worked hard to get myself to now; in other words, I can cite them as markers of my personal and professional growth.

1. The first was a distant mentor whom I’d met at the beginning of my journey with that company.
2. The second (and most meaningful) was my college professor, who always believed in me. I reached out to him after my job loss because he was the only professional individual I trusted to share my traumatic experiences, and ask for advice. I owe him everything to for introducing me to his circle of connections and allowing me to network my way to the position I’m in now.
3. Lastly, tonight, I connected with an old coworker from that same toxic company. She explained to me that she could clearly see how unethically they treated me and others alike, and validated that the trauma I experienced was real. Knowing that I didn’t make up how I felt or overreacted to the situation is so. damn. important. Unfortunately, she is now recovering from having experienced the same trauma.

The root cause was not necessarily my own weakness, but my surrounding environment.

It took years to fully rebuild my confidence and self-worth. Years to not hesitate when asking for help. Years to let go of work-related triggers. Years to realize that I was not a failure, but a by-product of my surroundings.

So, thank you to that regime. Thank you for showing me how a company should not be run. Thank you for showing me the difference between a manager and a leader. Thank you for motivating me to work 1000% harder in every role I have.

I couldn’t be who I am today without it.